lost?

Lately I've been in tears, and just grieved for those who do not know the love and mercy and joy of Christ. I was bawling just two nights ago as I thought of all the young families and mothers who have lost children to miscarriage or in some other unimaginable way...

My heart literally breaks for them but especially for those who have no hope in Christ. How can we reach these people? And I know that is what God has called me to do ...and that is why I HAD to start Rowan's Hope. I don't feel strong enough, and I don't feel smart enough, and I don't feel alot of things...but Jesus is bigger than my feelings of apathy and anger and sadness. I realized that if I didn't let Him use me, then someone else would use me... Can I get an Amen?! :0)

I feel a burning deep in my soul to tell people of the hope I have found in Jesus Christ and of the renewed hope even since losing Rowan, especially since losing Rowan. I heard very distinctly years ago from some folks who I believe very much are gifted in the ways of prophecy that I would be a source of the Lord's joy for others, and that although I would at times wear garments of sadness I would forever be cloaked in the joy of the Lord. Now, it was YEARS ago, and it didn't make any sense because I thought life was fine, and I was satisfied with that. However, last night as I was journaling, and reading the Bible, a slip of paper fell out of the back of my journal, and on it were the words I just shared with you...

God will use EVERYTHING for His glory. If I learn nothing else from the experience of losing my baby, I will have learned that Jesus will turn our weeping into laughing and He will use EVERYTHING for His glory and purpose.

So, what was I reading in the Bible? A word that I will stand on forever, and a word that I know my God pointed out just for me.

Isaiah 49:1(b)-3

Before I was born the LORD called me;
from my birth he has made mention of my name. He made my mouth like a sharpened sword, in the shadow of His hand He hid me; He made me into a polished arrow and
concealed me in His quiver. He said to me, "You are my servant, Amanda, in whom I will display my splendor."

just because

i walk because we have to keep moving forward

blue jeans

Hey there.

I have recently volunteered to be part of our local chapter of the March of Dimes. I am currently taking t.shirt orders for Blue Jeans for Babies. The t.shirts are $10 and really cute. They will feature kids from this area on the front in full color! Sweet!

Anyhow, the money will go towards the March of Dimes, which is an amazing organization by the way. They help educate women re: healthy pregnancies, and lives for them and their babies. They also have some great programs for women who have suffered the loss of a child. They spend a great deal of time working to stop premature births, etc. It's just an amazing organization!!

There are tons of ways to get involved and you should let me know if you are interested. They would love to have more volunteers!

Okay, so I am collecting donations (t.shirt orders) until October 16th. So, if you want to give you can contact me and we can make it work. Thanks for reading!

---------OFFICIAL INFO-----

The March of Dimes Mission
To improve the health of babies by preventing birth defects, premature birth and infant mortality. We carry out this mission through research, community services, education and advocacy to save babies' lives.

1 in 8 Babies is Born Too Soon
Premature birth can happen without warning and for no known reason. To fight this problem, the March of Dimes launched a national multiyear, multimillion-dollar Prematurity Campaign to raise awareness of the problem of prematurity and to reduce the rate of premature birth.

National Prematurity Awareness Day
March of Dimes has designated November as Prematurity Awareness Month to let us know that premature birth is a crisis in our country and to bring people together to help give all babies their 9 months. The March of Dimes is leading a national effort to save babies from premature birth by funding research to find the causes.

On November 20th - National Prematurity Awareness Day - You can send a message of hope for premature babies by wearing pink and blue, raising awareness with wristbands, car magets and ribbons, sending e-mails and letters, and supporting research. Click here to read about a way you can help!

Rowan's hope

I have opened a new blog, and you can visit it here

I feel certain I'll continue to blog regarding our sweet love here and there, but the new blog is specifically for dealing with our grief. And, hopefully, growing and possibly encouraging others.

much love.

don't ask me how I am doing....

This is just a warning for any of my real friends reading this. And, by all means ask, but only if you feel strong enough for the truth.

And the truth is, I’m awful. I don't know if I could be feeling anything other than awful. It has been two weeks...just today... And, I have the rest of my life to process the loss of our sweet Rowan.

Of course, I don't sit around all day thinking about slitting my wrists or in a pool of my own tears...although sometimes I do, the tears part that is... Mostly at night, in those moments after I've prayed, and kissed Mattie good night... I can hear him breathing deeply beside me...and I know how much we are both aching...and I lose it over and over again...

But, a lot of the time, if you were to spy on our little home, you’d see a madly in love couple, learning to go about their daily lives. We cook, we eat, we play with Falcor, we listen to music that speaks words we cannot seem to find...and we just love each other...

But, there is just no way I can put on a happy face, or keep up appearances for everyone. And, I've decided that if you are brave enough to ask me how I am, I’m going to tell the truth. The problem with this, is that when I tell a lot of people how I am, they run ...and they run fast. It feels as if people are just waiting for me to feel “better” or "okay" so they don’t feel so uncomfortable speaking to me. Well, I'm not comfortable...in fact this is the complete opposite of comfortable for me...but I don't have the strength, nor do I feel it's my job, to make sure everyone around me/us is comfortable.

Speaking to me, being around me, is not hard. What I am living right now, that is hard...giving birth to my baby, when he was already gone from this world...that was hard... Yeah, and I have to live with this the rest of my life. You want to know how I am...I haven't slept in days... Every time I close my eyes I see the image of my sweet Rowan, in my hands, warm...lifeless...perfect...in my hands....

I don't mean this to sound any way other than what I've stated. If I make you uncomfortable, please avoid me for now... But, for those of you who love me...who know me... I will not pretend that life is back to normal, or even okay. I am so far from that marker...and I have no idea when I'll get there...

God has been so good to us. Giving us family and friends who love us, and who love our sweet angel baby. We pray for His continued guidance and mercy in these days, weeks, years... He is all that is keeping us going...He alone will bring us peace. Please continue to pray with us, and for us... We do need you all...and we love you.

I'm sorry if this seems harsh... My heart was burdened...and in this place I can say whatever I want...

a prayer

2 Corinthians 4:16-18:
"Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen in eternal."

introductions

Rowan McCleskey.
born into Heaven 08-17-09.
12.5 weeks old.
"a moment in our arms, forever in our hearts."

mommy and daddy cannot wait to hold you. we miss you in every way possible, and we will be with you soon. we love you so...

Glory baby

there will never be any words good enough for my sweet Rowan.
but these from the Watermark song 'Glory Baby' have deeply touched our souls.

Glory baby you slipped away as fast as we could say baby…baby..
You were growing, what happened dear?
You disappeared on us baby…baby..
Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe until we’re home with you…
Until we’re home with you…

Miss you everyday
Miss you in every way
But we know there’s a
day when we will hold you
We will hold you
You’ll kiss our tears away
When we’re home to stay
Can’t wait for the day when we will see you
We will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you
‘till mom and dad can hold you…
You’ll just have heaven before we do
You’ll just have heaven before we do

Sweet little babies, it’s hard to
understand it ‘cause we’re hurting
We are hurting
But there is healing
And we know we’re stronger people through the growing
And in knowing-
That all things work together for our good
And God works His purposes just like He said He would…
Just like He said He would…

BRIDGE:
I can’t imagine heaven’s lullabies
and what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing, heaven is your home
And it’s all you’ll ever know…all you’ll ever know…

that's "plum" cute

So, week 12 is finally here! We are so excited about our appointment next week. We will see quite an amazing looking baby (plus I can finally have a belly u/s rather than...well, it's just better)!

This week peanut is about the size of a plum. I bought some plums to mark this occasion for a few reasons. (1) I love love love them...nothing is sweeter to me! (2) I haven't gone to the bathroom (if you know what I mean) in 3 days! ugh!! (3) I wanted these pictures!!




The most dramatic development this week: reflexes. Your baby's fingers will soon begin to open and close, his toes will curl, his eye muscles will clench, and his mouth will make sucking movements. In fact, if you prod your abdomen, your baby will squirm in response, although you won't be able to feel it. His intestines, which have grown so fast that they protrude into the umbilical cord, will start to move into his abdominal cavity about now, and his kidneys will begin excreting urine into his bladder.

Meanwhile, nerve cells are multiplying rapidly, and in your baby's brain, synapses are forming furiously. His face looks unquestionably human: His eyes have moved from the sides to the front of his head, and his ears are right where they should be. From crown to rump, your baby-to-be is just over 2 inches long and weighs 1/2 an ounce!

11 weeks - lime sized baby!!